Death by Gloom

My recent silence (both in person and in the blogosphere) has to do with the fact that I've been hit by what I'll call the Seattle Crud. To wit: Mix one incredibly gorgeous sunny tank-top wearing day with two gloomy, rainy days and you'll have either a terrible cough, a fever, or if you're really in luck - chills. Guess what? I had all three. Jackpot! This is a massive hubris punch as I'm the type of person who likes to chirp annoyingly about how "I never get sick." Don't you hate people like that? I do, and I am one. But clearly, I do get sick. I get so sick that my nice friend A. actually went to Jamba Juice to leave me a Cold Buster in the fridge this morning - and I was so grateful, I cried.

Given my general state of Sick & Pissy, I thought I would follow up my Things I Love post with some Things I Will Never Be Okay With (hate is such a strong word, isn't it?) all of which can also be found in Seattle:

1. Live music. Now I'm not talking about James McMurtry or Lucinda Williams or Cat Power or the kind of musician you see in the paper and think about how $55 for a ticket is an awful lot of money, but dang, you'd still like to go. No, I'm talking about those concerts where you have no idea who you're listening to, and the sound system is shrieking, and every song and every band sounds exactly the same, although there is always some girl/woman dancing in weird balletic movements at the edge of the stage who seems to be able to tell the difference. I especially hate those block party live music events where it's so cold you're shivering at 4pm and the only food is stale corn chips with yellow cheese on top.

2. Condos. Condos have their place, but do we need four million of them? I think not.

3. Dogs with hair cuts and little outfits. People. It's a poodle, not Paris Hilton.

4. Runners. Just the kind who give you dirty looks if you happen to step in their way and slow down their physical fitness by sixty seconds. Gosh, I'm sorry. Also, strollers.  Please.

5. Garbage Cans that say "Do Not Deposit Animal Waste Here." About 8 out of 10 of the public waste bins in Seattle call doing this a "health hazard." But let me get this straight. You want me to scoop up Brutto's poo, but you don't want me to throw it anywhere? How does that work?

6. Pious Celebrity Greening. True, this isn't particular to Seattle. But if I have to read one more account of how Gwyneth walks everywhere and makes little organic snacks for Apple to save the earth, I promise you - someone is going to get hurt.

7. Loud cell phone talkers. You're not in an invisible phone booth, you know. We can hear you.

8. Trader Joe's Parking Lot. Obviously designed by a sado-masochist who came up with the plan after measuring every car in the world, and shrinking the spaces to be just slightly smaller than all of them.