So like everyone else apparently, my Facebook page is now populated by people I knew in high school. Yes, good old JFK (the alma mater, by the way, of Amy Fisher: Long Island Lolita - and no I didn't know her or anyone in a call girl ring or wasn't overly fascinated not by sex or drugs but by the scores on our SAT exam) has once again emerged from the deepest cells of my memory to haunt me once again. It's like an eternal reunion over there, people. Frankly, it puzzles me. I mean except for a couple of old friends that it's been nice to catch up with, it's not like we've been breathlessly looking for each other over the years - why so much enthusiasm?
But I digress.
One of the byproducts of this fascinating exercise is finding out how many kids my old classmates have popped out. Average count: Three. Average first question when they catch me online: How many do I have?
Answer: Well, none. No kids. A dog. A Hapa Boy. But no kids.
This is usually greeted by stunned pity. OMG! How did that happen?
It happened because I didn't want it to happen, you see. I know, it's hard to understand when children are at the center of many of my friend's lives. It's difficult to explain in an age where motherhood has pretty much reached Victorian levels of obsession how I never, ever wanted to be one. Let's say that I never wheeled a doll around in a baby carriage. Let's say that I remember insisting on having a divorced Barbie when I played with my friends - and this was an era where divorce was far more unusual. Let's say I didn't particularly like being a child. It's not that I was abused in any way - unless you want to count being raised on Long Island as abuse, and I agree it's borderline - I just disliked the powerlessness of it. I like being an adult, and I like living an adult life. I'm delighted to note that I will never, ever be forced to visit LegoLand, wipe chocolate off every surface, or sit through parent-teacher conferences. Also, babies scare me. I prefer puppies. The upshot is that I never saw myself as a mother. Mind you, I like everyone else's kids very much. I am appropriately enamored with my awesome nephew, Little B, and I am deeply curious and loving towards my friends offspring. It just wasn't an experience that I wanted.
So it's kind of stunning the sort of thing people feel comfortable asking me. Could I not conceive? (Didn't try) Is it because I'm just a selfish little so and so who didn't want to be tied down? (Trust me, Dear Readers, dogs tie you down plenty), or my favorite - Perhaps, poor me, I didn't meet the right man at the right time? No. In fact, during my salad days, the man nibbling at my tender leaves would have loved to be a Daddy. It's always been my call, and happily I feel no biblical obligation to be fruitful (although I eat at least three apples a day) and multiply (I can't do fractions either.)
Now I'm not denying that raising children might be a remarkable roller-coaster ride of thrills and spills (definitely spills from my observation). But here's the thing. On our recent trip to Las Vegas, Hapa Boy pointed out the roller coaster on top of one of the casinos that wrapped around the fiftieth floor outside the building.
You know what? I didn't want to get on that one either.
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11 comments:
At least you are not one of those women who got pregnant "by mistake", and raised a child who was woefully unattended to and made to feel like an albatross around his mother's neck. That really bugs me, when there are so may parents desperate for a child and would love to adopt such babies!
Now you know I believe motherhood is one of the best gifts God gave womankind :), but even in the BIBLE, there is a message about the virtues of singleness.
Nope, fornication isn't one of them:]
Rats! And I was doing so well there...;)
I suspect YOUR children are lucky to have you, Terry. All children should be as loved and wanted.
I wonder why the Darwinian call to reproduce your species is missing in you? Our race (the human race, that is) could so clearly use mroe of your genes, at a minimum to improve our grammatical skills. Rather than ask what is "missing" I should be asking how you evolved beyond to not feel compelled to reproduce yourself. And you clearly are evolved beyond some of us (me) who never, ever once discussed whether we would have children before we got married. I was only 26 at the time and the idea of talking about to have/not to have kids never occurred to me. Yikes! I'm kind of amazed now that I was so immature and yet thought I should get married.
And Facebook. Like nuclear weapons, just because we have the technology does not mean we should use it.
So how do I respond, I who broke up with men over the "kids" question (I wanted, they didn't) and now at the ripe old age of almost-43 and married five years, can't quite decide to have them or not...but leaning toward not. What happened to me along the way?
I really do hate those questions, though!
Why are you so negative about being a mother? You are a woman? You are not a lesbian? You don't hate men? Why the slam on kids?
Ironically enough, my lovely Anonymous reader (and thanks for stopping by!), my wonderful lesbian housemate loves kids and is planning to be a mother with her adorable wife, J. I know, blows the top of your head off, doesn't it? Heh.
Come on, sound out the words now if you're having trouble reading. I. Don't. Hate. Kids (except for the ones that kick the back of my seat on long airplane trips.) I don't want to be a mother myself. You are free to go ahead and breed like a Duggan.
I don't hate men either. My darling Hapa Boy feels the same way I do about the wee ones. Isn't that lucky? ;)
Have an entirely fruitful day!
MOD,
I admire your honesty. And for sharing your story. I do believe we were not all meant to marry and have children....I also know a few of my older single friends have been a blessing to me in that they can be more available to those of us who DO have kids. I have a friend who was one of 8 siblings, and even though he has not married or bore children, he is still of great objective value to me in parenting my own!
I find it very RUDE that people assume since you didnt desire children you must be selfish. Gee, ironically enough, I find THEM selfish to say such a thing! They certainly werent putting you before themselves when they uttered it!
I have made the mistake last year of asking a gal who I hadnt run into for some time, about being married. I assumed she was, as she was with the same guy since she is 17......I was embarrassed to find out she wasnt....didnt want her to think I cared one way or the other. It seems like American Society has one way of looking at it...and if you desire to live in what they consider 'an extreme', you get picked on. People really need to act more maturely, and respect each others right to live their own lives.
Anonymous...I didnt pick up from MOD that she is negative about being a mother, just that she felt absent a pull to be one. People have as much right to live as they desire. She wasnt slamming kids, but it sure sounds like YOU are slamming MOD. Ironic?
I second Terry, much better to realise you are not meant to be a mum than to have some kid feel that you were "stuck" with him!
I think I first found your blog after you posted on Adventures in Mercy, and then I lost the address! Loved the name, though; until I can have the children I would so dearly love to have, I am mother only to dogs, too. I have three dogs at the moment, and if I had to put a number on it I would like about twice as many children, give or take a kid.
Naturally I figure once I have the kids they'll also need a Newf or Golden or something similarly saintly to draw most of their energy and focus away from my resident little fluffballs . . . Maltese are energetic but appallingly breakable! And my Shih Tzu is blind, so she will probably need a room of her own to escape to until I can teach the children that a bite is an earned thing, and they will be earning them aplenty if they don't learn to respect the pups . . .
I commend you on your self-preservation :P
Oh, some bint on Gen Cedar is calling you a troll now. Ha! Well, bint is unkind. Some nice lady is calling you a troll now.
Your blog explains so much about you!
But, please, can you explain your username "Mother of Dog"? It seems to me that there is a deep and hidden desire within you to be the mother of something. Wouldn't Owner of Dog be more appropriate?
It is definitely okay to be called to be single and there is a great purpose for this calling, but why do you, in many of your post, feel the need to explain that you DO NOT WANT KIDS while you are simultaneously mothering a dog?
I am not trying to be harsh, but really just hoping to understand. Thanks for understanding.
I like the way my blog explains so much about me, Misty. Heh. It's really only meant to be entertaining. I'm a writer. I write things.
Why do I want to be the mother of a dog and not a child? Because I frankly prefer puppies to babies. It's not hiding some deep unspoken desire, I assure you. I just wrote the post after the 80th person asked me about how many kids I have! ;) Being childfree is not an easy path for some to accept.
And owner of dog is a little less amusing, wouldn't you agree? It's just a joke, you can see that? I realize my dog isn't a child. He's a sweet little terrier mix. We're both happy that he is what he is - and I am what I am.
Thanks for visiting!
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